Notes and Quotes from "The Connected Child" by Karyn B. Purvis, PhD., David R. Cross, PhD., and Wendy Lyons Sunshine

When disciplining a special needs child, the fewer words the better.

Teaching Respect:

"Hold it.  It is not ok for you to talk to me that way.  Tell me what you need. And tell me with respect."  

"Let me see those eyes...I love to see those eyes...you can say anything you need to say to me.  If you think that I'm being mean, you can say that.  If you feel angry, you can say that.  Just say it with respect.  Now tell me what you need."

Important lesson:  your child can always say what he feels and he can always ask for needs and wants, but it all must be said appropriately.  

The child may use behavior to communicate what he/she can't express verbally.

When you say "no"

*before he melts down, say, "wow that's a great job of accepting no" 

 *sandwich the "no" with positive comments

*praise immediately

If the child asks without respect, the answer will always be no.

general rules to live by:

*respond quickly

*don't get into a discussion

* use fewer words

*be instructive and corrective

IDEAL:

I= Immediate response (to mis-behavior)

D=Directly with child (eye contact)

E=Efficient (least words)

A=Action based--actively directed re-do

L=Level your responses at the behavior, not the child

Rules of Connected families

A child may not dominate the family through tantrums, aggression, back talk, whining, or any other tactic.

Parents are kind, fair and consistent, they stay calm and in control.  They admiinster structure and limits, but they also provide a great deal of nurturing, praise and affection.

A child is encouraged to use words to express his or her needs directly and respectfully.

Parents honor a child's boundaries and respectfully listen to his or her needs and requests.  They never shame or ridicule a child's perspective.

Parents meet all reasonable needs and requests.  They say "Yes" whenever they can.  Occasiionaly they allow a compromise and at times they say "No" and deny requests.

What we're dealing with...

the trust and caring needs of an infant
the independence needs of a two-year old

the shame issues of a three-year old

the concrete thinking of a four-year old

the reasoning skills of a five-year old

the street smarts of a sixteen-year-old

all wrapped up in the body of an eight year old

Parents respond to misbehavior immediately.  They redirect the child to better choices, let him or her practice getting it right and then praise their child for improvement.  Once the conflict is resolved, they return to playful and warm interactions with their child.

checklist (want to answer yest to all:)

is my approach playful and interactive?

do i show that i genuinely value my child?

do i alert my child to what's coming next?
do i enforce consequences consistently?

do i mean what i say? do i follow through on my words?

am i responding to misbehavior within three seconds?

am i guiding my child through re-do's

do i let my child make choices and problem-solve?

do i make regular eye contac when i speak?
do i give my child my undivied attention?
do i give whole-hand, affectionate touches?
do i make affirming, warm, positive comments?

do i behave consistently?

do i facilitate joint problem solving with my child?
do i help my child self regulate and develop self awareness?
do i encourage my child to tell me his or her feelings?

do i ask my child what he or she needs?

do i create a schedule that accomodates my child's fundamental needs?

do i simplify my life enough that I can give my child my attention?

"think it over" place...you sit near the child...they tell you when they're ready

Intercept with words (stop) and child stop his own behavior...success!

Defiance:

"It's not OK to talk to me like that. You can alwyas have your feelings, but you must always talk to me with respect.  Try that again"

Play:  let yourself be directed in play by your child...set timer for 15 minutes and give him your full attention.

Medication: can provide about 30% of the desired solution.  Taking drugs for behavioral problems is similar to taking antidepressants when somebody you love dies.  The medication acts as a short-term crutch, to help you get you through the really bad period.   Drugs are a means of giving temporary support until the person can live without them.

Television, movies, electronic games: you need to increase the time your child spends with people and decrease the time he spends alone with machines, etc.  An hour a day of TV, etc. is ok...but these things cater to short attention spans and you want your child to engage in activities that extend attention spans.